MM MECC ANICA

Writing started for me as a cathartic way to process my experiences and the work I’ve been doing on myself.

Then, each sentence I wrote, meant as a mechanism to learn and heal, fell into the shadows of my over analysis and assumptions, quickly losing its original purpose.

Will it make sense?
What will people think?
You need to proofread better.
You need to be clearer.
You aren’t.
You won’t.

It was all rooted in fear. Not fear of losing me, but fear of losing you, which I’m realizing is one in the same. In the recesses of my mind, I judge myself and my experiences, so of course I imagined you would too.

Writing and posting here began to have the same feelings of social media; something that I’ve pulled the plug on. Not because it’s social medias’ fault, but because I’m not capable of interacting with it in a healthy manner. So I stopped writing ‘publicly’, and barely touched it personally because my personal writings often went under the same scrutiny.

Most people subscribed here are people that knew the old me well. I worried that sharing what I’ve been experiencing was too much. What if I upset people? Lost friends? Lost family? What if, what if, what if.

All based on a veil of reality I’ve constructed for myself; built entirely under the guise of my assumptions of how you might react. Hah. Seriously, it’s so fucking ridiculous it’s funny.

I can’t control anyone’s actions, reactions, opinions, or feelings; the past or the future. The list can go on, but I’ll master that sentence first. Repeat it.

Somewhere rooted deep in my psyche is a self-judgment that festers and projects outward. It’s my continued mission to work this to the surface and out of the shadows. No longer a fight, but a partnership, as it is a component in my human build for the purpose of protecting and teaching me. If I didn’t need it anymore it wouldn’t be there, so best to make friends with it and go to school for it’s lessons now that I’m paying attention.

#2 pencil sharpened

So today, I’m saying; fuck those assumptions I’ve been carrying.

Welcome to the new me.

I’ve been guarding this part of myself from people who’ve known me a long time, while sharing it freely with people in newer circles. The truth is, I’m being met by an expanding community of incredible humans and I don’t want to exclude you from that. I want to open the door.

As I start writing again, I hope it invites conversation; a call, email or text to continue what we have already done for so long. And if it does become too much for you, call me and talk about one of the hobbies we share. That part of me is still alive and well.

So, here’s a snapshot of the past 6 months for context in no particular order…

• I still meditate a minimum of 30 minutes a day
• I believe in consciousness/oneness/god but am not religious
• I believe in my reincarnation through experiences I’ve had
• I’ve brought other people into the world I’m in and it is incredibly rewarding
• I believe natural objects contain powers we do not recognize
• I’m giving in to my heart/feelings more than my thinking brain and my life is better for it.
• I can sometimes see people’s energy fields. It can be overwhelming and fucking cool
• I can frequently feel energy and am learning to use it
• I’m having more lucid dreams
• I’m having occasional astral travel experiences
• I’ve had what people have told me is a kundalini awakening that was triggered when a higher being grabbed my hand to show me whats possible during an astral travel experience
• I’ve met channelers/clairvoyants and healers that modern science can’t explain and quantum physics barely theorizes about
• I’ve communicated with my guides
• I’ve communicated with “me”
• I’ve meditated and had visions that presented me with solutions on how to solve mechanical and non mechanical problems (which worked)
• l’m no longer able or willing to maintain relationships that are built on transaction, obligation, fear, power, performance, or emotional distance
• I no longer live in the box of expectations I grew up with and created for myself.
• I’ve done more journeys and will continue doing so, but they are only 5% of my work.

I can’t promise the absolute insanity or gonzo brilliance of writing of Hunter S Thompson but it’s something to aim for! Talk soon…