MM MECC ANICA

Same friend as the dying leaves, new shared wisdom.

Despite the massive strides I’ve taken to find a new state of presence and disconnect from a deliverable based identity, I still have the drive and itch of somebody training in the background. It’s not a bad device for playing the life game we live in, but it has proven to be far to in control.

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Thinking brain activates and starts to question the path I’m on as counter to it’s programmed logic… What are you?… What happened to who you are?…. What are you actually doing?… What are you actually accomplishing?… Where are you on this path your on a year into? Its not fast or far enough…

Fuck off thinking brain…just be… we don’t need for anything. It’s ok. It’s working.

Seriously, what are you and what are you accomplishing with your time?

What I need to be when I need to be it. Everything and nothing.

What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

What it means.

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Over some coffee, this matter comes to the surface and I consult my friend, and as usual, we enter a Socratically inspired conversation. My friend says something along the lines of :

“I think you are already in the room, but you keep trying to find a window or a door out to find what you are looking for; thinking it’ll be out there.”

The concept of a room and escape from it doesn’t hit as it should at the moment. Maybe I’m just an outdoor person and thats who I am, always looking for the next thing. Hmmmm…something isn’t sitting right. The conversation continues down a tangential path and, “you are already in the room,” gestates somewhere in the subconscious for the next hour or so.

I leave my friend’s and somewhere on the 3 miles of dirt road back to my house, I catch myself looking into the distance at a similarly elevated peak and think… man… that’s a beautiful peak; it would be sweet to be there right now…

…the thinking brain takes over…

How can I get there?…

Why aren’t you there?…

What opportunities are there?…

…a long blink and a deep breath takes consumes me… gestation over…

If I’m here and want to be there, well, then when I’m on that peak and look back at the peak I’m currently on, won’t I want to be here? So if I’m not here when I’m here, then when I’m there I won’t be there…and then…well you won’t ever be where you are… and will always be in a state of wanting something else.

MOTHER FUCKER… I’m already in the room…

…I lean into the music of gravel under the tires and the splashing of puddles followed by a hiss of water vaporizing on exhaust; the cold spring subalpine breeze pushes the smell of mud and and last years decaying plant matter into my nose, and a flurry of dust and dog hair from the dash hits my face reminding me my family is just around the corner…

You are in the room…

I agree…

I lovingly look into the side view mirror of the truck imagining my dogs every time they are riding along… always present… always where they need to be. They get it.

I text my friend the realization and he leaves me with this :

“One does nothing, and nothing is left undone.” -Tao de Ching